Parker, our 9-year-old son, looked carefully at a picture frame on the wall, a frame filled with pictures memorializing the wedding of Shadra and me. He had noticed this frame many times before, but this time he had studied it carefully. The pictures were of the bride, the groom, the maid of honor, the best man, Parker’s older brothers and sister . . . wait . . . older brothers and sister? How could they be at Mommy and Daddy’s wedding?
Although Parker does not have all of the details, he has grown old enough and wise enough to understand the typical order of things when two people decide to have a relationship. The siblings present at a wedding of their parents did not fit the marriage schema as he understood it. Parker began asking obvious questions.
Shadra and I believe that when our children are capable of asking particular questions, they deserve honest answers (within reason). Fortunately, we have not had to field questions regarding Santa Claus and where babies come from, although we suspect they will be soon in coming. We expected Parker to begin wondering about our past, how we met, and how he and his older younger siblings fit together as a family.
Parker learned that his parents were united after each had divorced from a previous spouse. He wanted to know more about this woman named Darci and a guy named Ryan. Parker learned that his older brothers and sisters had a different mom, and that sometimes they would spend time with her that he did not get to share or that they would receive gifts when he would not. He reacted surprisingly well to this new information. He seemed to understand that some bonds are far stronger than those fashioned around a piece of paper, and although some of our family came from broken homes, the bond we now share as a new family is stronger and different than what we experienced before. He seems to have very few concerns that our family will suffer the same fate as our previous families.
With this new information come new definitions. We explained to Parker that our world insists that all things are defined. With that in mind, blended families are places where you learn about stepparents, half-brothers, half-sisters and the like. Those ideas have no room in any family, as far as we are concerned. Blood relationships do not define family exclusively. We are a family because we choose to be. Our hearts and actions hold more weight than any vows. This is our creed for building a more perfect union.
